you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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