Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
