i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
there is glitter all over my balls
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
