i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
