he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
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