yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize