I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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