someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
