I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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