I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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