So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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