So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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