I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
