my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
