You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
