The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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