i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
BRING THE BAGELS
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
