I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
