sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
