last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
