i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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