I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
