I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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