No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force