So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.