im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.