I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?