My hand turned me down
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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