Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
