which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
