Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
