Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
