I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
