hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
