doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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