I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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