meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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