we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
3pm strippers are depressing
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
