1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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