while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
