so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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