Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
