Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
