i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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