i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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