the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila