I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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