You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?