Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
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You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
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When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society