just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
