I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Of course I have a pirate flag
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"