my phone needs a breathalizer
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
