I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
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I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
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Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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