We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
