and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
