We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
