the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
