I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
