Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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