I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
