some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
